Disillusioned

What happens when we become disillusioned?  This can take place in our marriage, our jobs, school and life in general. 

·        It may be our fault because we’ve lost focus, lost interest or we are coveting something or someone different.  It could be there is sin in your life.  Yes, the “S” word.

·        It may be somebody else’s fault or God allowing us to go through some corrections or testing. 

·        What if you feel like you’re doing everything right and your partner or God aren’t responding as expected?

Start by asking yourself what the core issue is.  Am I just discontented in my partner?  How is my relationship with God?  Did something outside your control change such as health, raising kids, increased job stress?  Knowing if God is working on you or your spouse is harder to identify.  Search your heart.  Take inventory of where you are at in your relationships.  Are you doing your part by seeking God with all of your heart, by being obedient to His commands, and by loving your spouse unconditionally?  Do you lack of vision because you’re following the crowd and not what the Holy Spirit is leading you to do?

Hear what God said to Joshua in 1:9, "Have I not commanded you?  Be strong and courageous.  Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go."  This promise was conditional on them meditating on and obeying the Word of God.  In marriage the requirement is from Ephesians 5:33, "The husband must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband."

Don’t be stubborn and resist.  Think of it this way; God is working with you as He would a sculpture made from clay.  He told Jeremiah, “I am the potter you are the clay.  I can do what I want with you.” (Paraphrase mine)  He doesn’t need our permission and doesn’t always show us what He is doing or where we are going.  He typically takes us there one step at a time and when we’re ready He moves us to the next level.  Good advice; try to learn the lesson the first time. 

Apply these thoughts to your marriage, your life and you career knowing that God has your back.  If things are really bad, get up tomorrow, and start by thanking God for the day.  Do your part by being obedient to what He tells you and put one foot in front of the other until it gets better.  This is what I say almost every day to get me through:  For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.  Jeremiah 29:11

Acceptable or Not?

When my husband, Chris and I counsel couples, we see many people who feel that they can have a relationship with the opposite sex and not have it affect their marriage in any way.  These can be old boyfriends or girlfriends, coworkers, or exes so we need to define “relationship".  Okay...let's say it's someone that you just talk to on the phone or text message.  Is that acceptable?  Now, go a step further and it's someone you go to lunch or dinner alone with occasionally.  Acceptable or not?  There is a point where these connections cross over and become an emotional attachment.  Of course, men will say that these relationships aren't emotional for them at least until sex is in play.  However, most women enter into these relationships for the emotional attachment.  So, with this in mind, there may be a disparity between a man and a woman as to when a "relationship" actually begins.  Some people would describe these relationships as friendships, but friendships have different levels of depth to them as well.  There are elements of trust, respect and affection that enter into all friendships and these vary in degree in each one.

So, let's get back to marriage.  A relationship with the opposite sex outside of your marriage, almost always means you are confiding in, trusting or sharing affection with someone who is not your spouse.  In other words, this means your needs for these things are being met with someone who is not your spouse.  "Emotional" affairs are as dangerous as physical ones.  Once you have made that emotional connection, temptation starts knocking at the door.  

Today, society tries very hard to blur these lines of what is acceptable. It is very easy in these days of social media to take a picture or make a comment that can instantly turn an "innocent" situation into one that puts doubt and question of impropriety in the forefront and can easily unravel a marriage.  If you take a marriage that might be going through hard or stressful times, or having a simple conflict and add in doubt about outside relationships like this, it erodes trust and the marriage might not survive.      

The Bible says in Matthew 5:28..."But I say to you that whoever looks on a woman to lust after her has committed adultery with her already in his heart."  Pay attention that Jesus is saying here that the sin is already beginning with what it is in the mind and heart, not in the actions.  Our counsel to couples is to protect the marriage at all cost and never put yourself in a situation of temptation.  Don't give Satan the opportunity to use a situation for evil.  Hebrews 13:4 says..."Marriage is to be honored by all, and husbands and wives must be faithful to each other.  God will judge those who are immoral and those who commit adultery."  If you are trying to decide what relationships are "acceptable," you are probably not guarding your marriage.
                    

More than words

Speaking kind words to our spouse is something that sounds so normal and easy.  It's probably something we say we all do every day.  But, are there times when we let this slip and the words don't come as easy or as often?  In this life of distractions, phones and social media that's probably more true than we would want to admit.

Let's take that to the next level.  What kind of words do you speak about your spouse to family, friends, co-workers or in public?  Several years ago, I was in a situation where I took our daughters to an after school activity and found myself sitting with other moms waiting to pick up our children. The conversations of these women invariably turned to their husbands and their marriages.  I grew more and more horrified each time at the words and tones of these conversations and how they spoke about their husbands.  "Lazy," "useless," "non-involved" and "no-good" were the descriptions I began to hear.  A lot of it became vulgar and not repeatable.  Never once, did I hear these women say they felt their husbands were good men or good fathers.  If you tried to inject something good into their conversations or give some encouragement, it was met with sarcasm and disdain.

I know from earlier in my life, that people can drag you down with their words and affect those around you and their perception of you.  Do you really want that for your spouse?  Be cautious of your words to your spouse and also when you are around other people.  Speaking life into people and modeling Christ and His love can change the way they see themselves and the way others see them as well.  Build up the one you love in the eyes of your children, family, friends and in public in obedience to Christ.  The Bible says a lot about our words. Just one example is James 3:8-9.."but no human being can tame the tongue. It is a restless evil, full of deadly poison. With the tongue we praise our Lord and Father, and with it we curse human beings, who have been made in God's likeness."  Strong words to think about! Proverbs 16:24 says, "Gracious words are a honeycomb, sweet to the soul and healing to the bones."  Let's use our words to encourage, build up, affirm and honor our spouse each day.  I promise, it will make a difference in your marriage.                          

Communications Basics

Most of us think we know how to talk to each other.  Let’s be honest, there are major differences between the way men and women communicate to each other and to the opposite sex.  Some studies have shown that young girls prefer role playing face to face while the boys are more aggressive as they play army or king of the hill.  My wife and I use the example during counseling that men like to work side by side or sit side by side watching sports and for women it is face time sharing all the details and emotion of life. (Yes, I will catch flack for that comment).  We also know that according to Dr. Eggerichs, “Women speak and hear in pink and men speak and hear in blue.”  Here are a few stories and recent observations:

Make sure you are both having the same conversation. My wife and I were driving to counsel a couple at church one evening.  We were having a discussion on the way and as we conversed back and forth it started to get a little heated.  One of us finally realized we weren’t even talking about the same thing.  I was talking about a recent family event and she was talking about a misunderstanding that morning. The reality to each of us about our individual viewpoints was the reason we were both getting frustrated.  We were not rowing in the same direction and in this case not even in the same boat.   It ended up being funny, but could have gone the other way.  

Don’t make assumptions.  I was talking to a coworker recently who thought he was doing a good thing for his wife by taking some items back to the store for credit. Apparently they have a spot in the utility room where they keep the items and receipts that need to get returned. There were several things on the counter including some that were months old.   He took them all back to the stores, and upon his return home he proudly announced the noble deeds to his wife for which he was immediately rebuked.  A couple of the items she wanted to keep for the kids.  She had never communicated this to him in any way.  His comments, “I can’t win”.

When and where?  Timing is another important issue. There have been a few instances lately in which my wife and I realized we do not always have the best timing for our conversations.  For example, I was talking to her one day when I turned and walked down the hall still talking, leaving her unable to hear what I was saying as I got farther away.  Later, I was certain we had had the conversation and didn’t understand why she didn’t remember it.  Conversely, my wife was talking to me while I was vacuuming the family room and she got mad when I didn’t acknowledge she was talking to me.  I couldn’t hear her.

Hopefully we can do this better when we get back to the basics of communications:

1. Pick the right time and place to discuss important issues.

2. Don’t make assumptions.  Again, don’t make assumptions about what the other person is trying to communicate.  We all have a built in bias when we speak or we hear in pink or blue.

3. Practice active listening.  Acknowledge what your partner said before interrupting or responding too quickly.

4. Finally, James 1:19, “My dear brothers, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry.”

I Choose to Love You

When Chris asked me to marry him almost 26 years ago, he had a great proposal set up (that I completely messed up for him!) One of the things he told me was that we was "choosing" to love me.  Now, I'll admit that at first, I was taken aback and it took the "romance" out of it a bit for me.  I expected the man I was going to marry to tell me he was head over heels in love with me and passionately devoted only to me. (Yes, I know...like most women, I'm a hopeless romantic!) I was not ready to hear his words, "I choose to love you no matter what."

Now that I am 30 plus years into my Christian walk, I see it was the most amazing and romantic thing he could say to me.  No matter how unlovable I am, no matter how many bad moods I am in, no matter how many dinners I burn and if I am just downright mean, unloving or disrespectful...he still chooses to love me.  Of course, I could say the same things about him, because he's not perfect either. We have days where we might say we don't like each other very much, but the choice we made to love one another is always there.  It's not based on feelings.  Too many people get divorced today because they say the feelings have changed and they just don't feel like they are in love anymore.

Imagine if God felt that way about us. God doesn't wake up on Monday and say He doesn't feel like loving us.  We do things to disappoint Him, but He still loves us. We sin and He still loves us.  1 John 4:10-11 says, "This is real love--not that we loved God, but that He loved us and sent His Son as a sacrifice to take away our sins. Dear Friends, since God loved us that much, we surely ought to love one each other."  If God loves us that much we can be obedient and choose to love our spouse with the love that only comes from God.  The choice is there for each of us to make each day.

Man to Man 2017

Happy New Year men!  If your wife shows this to you it’s from me, Chris, so pay attention.  The Bible tells us to exhort one another which means to be persuasive or encourage.  The intent here is to encourage, however, this may sting a little.
In this world of gender and identity confusion we need to look to our creator to define our roles as men and husbands.  Let’s see what God says to us and what our responsibilities are so we can get started on the right path in 2017.

1 Peter 3:7 ”Husbands, in the same way be considerate as you live with your wives, and treat them with respect as the weaker partner and as heirs with you of the gracious gift of life, so that nothing will hinder your prayers.

What does this look like to us as men in real life?  Peter was talking to wives prior to this verse and outlined a few instructions that are meant for us as well:

• He told the wives to submit to their own husbands and to be a godly example.  It depends who you talk to anymore on what it means to be a godly example.  Let’s make it clear that we need to stay close to the words of Jesus who said, “Be holy as I am Holy.”  Call sin what it is and turn from it this year.  1 John 1:9, “If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness. 10 If we claim we have not sinned, we make him out to be a liar and his word is not in us.”
• He talks to wives about their outward beauty.  Men shouldn’t be as worried about the outward appearance either as we are about the inner man who is seen by God through the Holy Spirit.  For guys this means less about what our title is or how much we make, as it does about how we treat our wives and lead our families by being godly examples.  
• Even though we are typically stronger physically than our wives, we are not to be the dictator of our house, but a humble servant and treat them in a loving and respectful way.
• "When we do what is right in the eyes of God, our prayers will not be hindered."  Read Joshua 1:7, “Be strong and very courageous. Be careful to obey all the law my servant Moses gave you; do not turn from it to the right or to the left, that you may be successful wherever you go.”   This is a promise with a blessing that I certainly want.  Remember, God says many times to be strong and courageous.  This means stand up and stand out if you need to.

I spend a lot of time working in the world with non-Christians whom I don’t expect to be God fearing or righteous.  The problem in our culture is that I can’t tell the difference between the non-Christians and those who are or who say they are.   We hear that times have changed, that God understands our needs, or that Bible isn’t relevant to us anymore.  No, I’m not perfect either, but we have to keep striving for holiness because Jesus told us to.  We’ve got to do better.  We need to encourage and pray for each other, we need to fight side by side and win.  Find a godly man to spend time with as your mentor or if you are that godly man find someone to spend time with and help them grow closer to God.  

Let’s make every effort in 2017 to find out what God says about his plan for our lives.  Let’s ask Him to help us weed out sin so that He will hear our prayers to bless our marriages and our families!

The Perfect Marriage

The Perfect Marriage.  I’ve often heard someone say, “Oh, they have the perfect marriage” or “my parents had the perfect marriage.”  But, how does each of us define “perfect?”  Does perfect mean a couple never fights or agues?  Does it mean they faced adversity and became stronger than they were before? Or does it mean that the dirty socks and wet towels were always picked up before they ended up on the floor?  My husband, Chris and I do pre-marital counseling for couples prior to their wedding and we talk to each couple about their expectations for the “perfect marriage.”  We talk about fights or arguments and how to handle them.  That’s communication.  We discuss financial issues, wedding planning and extended family.  Those issues can cause tension and adversity that must be overcome to become stronger as a couple.  Even the dirty socks and wet towels can become serious if it changes a person’s perspective on their idea of “perfect.”

However, there is only one perfect person—Jesus Christ.  We come into a marriage as a sinful person with many flaws… (Yes…whether we like to believe it or not!)  The only “perfect” marriage is one where husband and wife learn to love unconditionally in spite of their imperfections.  Ephesians 5:1-2 says..” Follow God’s example, therefore, as dearly loved children and walk in the way of love, just as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us as a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God.”   So, for a “perfect” marriage, we must first and foremost look at ourselves and begin to follow God’s example of love that He unconditionally gives to each of us who call him Lord.