Communications Basics

Most of us think we know how to talk to each other.  Let’s be honest, there are major differences between the way men and women communicate to each other and to the opposite sex.  Some studies have shown that young girls prefer role playing face to face while the boys are more aggressive as they play army or king of the hill.  My wife and I use the example during counseling that men like to work side by side or sit side by side watching sports and for women it is face time sharing all the details and emotion of life. (Yes, I will catch flack for that comment).  We also know that according to Dr. Eggerichs, “Women speak and hear in pink and men speak and hear in blue.”  Here are a few stories and recent observations:

Make sure you are both having the same conversation. My wife and I were driving to counsel a couple at church one evening.  We were having a discussion on the way and as we conversed back and forth it started to get a little heated.  One of us finally realized we weren’t even talking about the same thing.  I was talking about a recent family event and she was talking about a misunderstanding that morning. The reality to each of us about our individual viewpoints was the reason we were both getting frustrated.  We were not rowing in the same direction and in this case not even in the same boat.   It ended up being funny, but could have gone the other way.  

Don’t make assumptions.  I was talking to a coworker recently who thought he was doing a good thing for his wife by taking some items back to the store for credit. Apparently they have a spot in the utility room where they keep the items and receipts that need to get returned. There were several things on the counter including some that were months old.   He took them all back to the stores, and upon his return home he proudly announced the noble deeds to his wife for which he was immediately rebuked.  A couple of the items she wanted to keep for the kids.  She had never communicated this to him in any way.  His comments, “I can’t win”.

When and where?  Timing is another important issue. There have been a few instances lately in which my wife and I realized we do not always have the best timing for our conversations.  For example, I was talking to her one day when I turned and walked down the hall still talking, leaving her unable to hear what I was saying as I got farther away.  Later, I was certain we had had the conversation and didn’t understand why she didn’t remember it.  Conversely, my wife was talking to me while I was vacuuming the family room and she got mad when I didn’t acknowledge she was talking to me.  I couldn’t hear her.

Hopefully we can do this better when we get back to the basics of communications:

1. Pick the right time and place to discuss important issues.

2. Don’t make assumptions.  Again, don’t make assumptions about what the other person is trying to communicate.  We all have a built in bias when we speak or we hear in pink or blue.

3. Practice active listening.  Acknowledge what your partner said before interrupting or responding too quickly.

4. Finally, James 1:19, “My dear brothers, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry.”

I Choose to Love You

When Chris asked me to marry him almost 26 years ago, he had a great proposal set up (that I completely messed up for him!) One of the things he told me was that we was "choosing" to love me.  Now, I'll admit that at first, I was taken aback and it took the "romance" out of it a bit for me.  I expected the man I was going to marry to tell me he was head over heels in love with me and passionately devoted only to me. (Yes, I know...like most women, I'm a hopeless romantic!) I was not ready to hear his words, "I choose to love you no matter what."

Now that I am 30 plus years into my Christian walk, I see it was the most amazing and romantic thing he could say to me.  No matter how unlovable I am, no matter how many bad moods I am in, no matter how many dinners I burn and if I am just downright mean, unloving or disrespectful...he still chooses to love me.  Of course, I could say the same things about him, because he's not perfect either. We have days where we might say we don't like each other very much, but the choice we made to love one another is always there.  It's not based on feelings.  Too many people get divorced today because they say the feelings have changed and they just don't feel like they are in love anymore.

Imagine if God felt that way about us. God doesn't wake up on Monday and say He doesn't feel like loving us.  We do things to disappoint Him, but He still loves us. We sin and He still loves us.  1 John 4:10-11 says, "This is real love--not that we loved God, but that He loved us and sent His Son as a sacrifice to take away our sins. Dear Friends, since God loved us that much, we surely ought to love one each other."  If God loves us that much we can be obedient and choose to love our spouse with the love that only comes from God.  The choice is there for each of us to make each day.

Man to Man 2017

Happy New Year men!  If your wife shows this to you it’s from me, Chris, so pay attention.  The Bible tells us to exhort one another which means to be persuasive or encourage.  The intent here is to encourage, however, this may sting a little.
In this world of gender and identity confusion we need to look to our creator to define our roles as men and husbands.  Let’s see what God says to us and what our responsibilities are so we can get started on the right path in 2017.

1 Peter 3:7 ”Husbands, in the same way be considerate as you live with your wives, and treat them with respect as the weaker partner and as heirs with you of the gracious gift of life, so that nothing will hinder your prayers.

What does this look like to us as men in real life?  Peter was talking to wives prior to this verse and outlined a few instructions that are meant for us as well:

• He told the wives to submit to their own husbands and to be a godly example.  It depends who you talk to anymore on what it means to be a godly example.  Let’s make it clear that we need to stay close to the words of Jesus who said, “Be holy as I am Holy.”  Call sin what it is and turn from it this year.  1 John 1:9, “If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness. 10 If we claim we have not sinned, we make him out to be a liar and his word is not in us.”
• He talks to wives about their outward beauty.  Men shouldn’t be as worried about the outward appearance either as we are about the inner man who is seen by God through the Holy Spirit.  For guys this means less about what our title is or how much we make, as it does about how we treat our wives and lead our families by being godly examples.  
• Even though we are typically stronger physically than our wives, we are not to be the dictator of our house, but a humble servant and treat them in a loving and respectful way.
• "When we do what is right in the eyes of God, our prayers will not be hindered."  Read Joshua 1:7, “Be strong and very courageous. Be careful to obey all the law my servant Moses gave you; do not turn from it to the right or to the left, that you may be successful wherever you go.”   This is a promise with a blessing that I certainly want.  Remember, God says many times to be strong and courageous.  This means stand up and stand out if you need to.

I spend a lot of time working in the world with non-Christians whom I don’t expect to be God fearing or righteous.  The problem in our culture is that I can’t tell the difference between the non-Christians and those who are or who say they are.   We hear that times have changed, that God understands our needs, or that Bible isn’t relevant to us anymore.  No, I’m not perfect either, but we have to keep striving for holiness because Jesus told us to.  We’ve got to do better.  We need to encourage and pray for each other, we need to fight side by side and win.  Find a godly man to spend time with as your mentor or if you are that godly man find someone to spend time with and help them grow closer to God.  

Let’s make every effort in 2017 to find out what God says about his plan for our lives.  Let’s ask Him to help us weed out sin so that He will hear our prayers to bless our marriages and our families!

The Perfect Marriage

The Perfect Marriage.  I’ve often heard someone say, “Oh, they have the perfect marriage” or “my parents had the perfect marriage.”  But, how does each of us define “perfect?”  Does perfect mean a couple never fights or agues?  Does it mean they faced adversity and became stronger than they were before? Or does it mean that the dirty socks and wet towels were always picked up before they ended up on the floor?  My husband, Chris and I do pre-marital counseling for couples prior to their wedding and we talk to each couple about their expectations for the “perfect marriage.”  We talk about fights or arguments and how to handle them.  That’s communication.  We discuss financial issues, wedding planning and extended family.  Those issues can cause tension and adversity that must be overcome to become stronger as a couple.  Even the dirty socks and wet towels can become serious if it changes a person’s perspective on their idea of “perfect.”

However, there is only one perfect person—Jesus Christ.  We come into a marriage as a sinful person with many flaws… (Yes…whether we like to believe it or not!)  The only “perfect” marriage is one where husband and wife learn to love unconditionally in spite of their imperfections.  Ephesians 5:1-2 says..” Follow God’s example, therefore, as dearly loved children and walk in the way of love, just as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us as a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God.”   So, for a “perfect” marriage, we must first and foremost look at ourselves and begin to follow God’s example of love that He unconditionally gives to each of us who call him Lord.      

Welcome to our new blog!  We have been working with married couples for years and have a passion to pass on what we've learned through study with many great teachers, from pastors and in our own marriage. Ephesians 5 has been a core chapter in the bible for us as we work with couples. We went through Dr. Emerson Eggerich's Love and Respect course and found it to be pivotal in our marriage and in our teaching. The principle that women need to be loved deeply and unconditionally by their husbands and that men need the respect and encouragement of their wives is biblical and it works when we actually apply it.

We look forward to sharing ideas with you and pray that your marriage will flourish in 2017.