Most of us think we know how to talk to each other. Let’s be honest, there are major differences between the way men and women communicate to each other and to the opposite sex. Some studies have shown that young girls prefer role playing face to face while the boys are more aggressive as they play army or king of the hill. My wife and I use the example during counseling that men like to work side by side or sit side by side watching sports and for women it is face time sharing all the details and emotion of life. (Yes, I will catch flack for that comment). We also know that according to Dr. Eggerichs, “Women speak and hear in pink and men speak and hear in blue.” Here are a few stories and recent observations:
Make sure you are both having the same conversation. My wife and I were driving to counsel a couple at church one evening. We were having a discussion on the way and as we conversed back and forth it started to get a little heated. One of us finally realized we weren’t even talking about the same thing. I was talking about a recent family event and she was talking about a misunderstanding that morning. The reality to each of us about our individual viewpoints was the reason we were both getting frustrated. We were not rowing in the same direction and in this case not even in the same boat. It ended up being funny, but could have gone the other way.
Don’t make assumptions. I was talking to a coworker recently who thought he was doing a good thing for his wife by taking some items back to the store for credit. Apparently they have a spot in the utility room where they keep the items and receipts that need to get returned. There were several things on the counter including some that were months old. He took them all back to the stores, and upon his return home he proudly announced the noble deeds to his wife for which he was immediately rebuked. A couple of the items she wanted to keep for the kids. She had never communicated this to him in any way. His comments, “I can’t win”.
When and where? Timing is another important issue. There have been a few instances lately in which my wife and I realized we do not always have the best timing for our conversations. For example, I was talking to her one day when I turned and walked down the hall still talking, leaving her unable to hear what I was saying as I got farther away. Later, I was certain we had had the conversation and didn’t understand why she didn’t remember it. Conversely, my wife was talking to me while I was vacuuming the family room and she got mad when I didn’t acknowledge she was talking to me. I couldn’t hear her.
Hopefully we can do this better when we get back to the basics of communications:
1. Pick the right time and place to discuss important issues.
2. Don’t make assumptions. Again, don’t make assumptions about what the other person is trying to communicate. We all have a built in bias when we speak or we hear in pink or blue.
3. Practice active listening. Acknowledge what your partner said before interrupting or responding too quickly.
4. Finally, James 1:19, “My dear brothers, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry.”
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